Underground
by DrawMeASheep
Summary: Tony delves into the seedy underbelly of NCIS as he plays evil mastermind. Spoilers for Murder 2.0.


Disclaimer: If you sue me, I shall hire Elle Woods as my defense attorney and fight copyright infringement with itself. Omigod you guys!

Spoilers: Minor for _Murder 2.0_ and previous season six eps.

Summary: I'm only a week and a half late with a post ep, but I've been out of wine. Tony goes through an ordeal to do one of his favorite things. No, not _that_.

* * *

Midnight was not a good choice for a meeting time, but the messages from the anonymous email account had been insistent. Tony shifted nervously from one foot to the other, wondering what the horrible smell could be. Sure, he was standing beside the dumpster behind the NCIS building, but… If bodies went unclaimed, did Ducky just toss them down a garbage chute? Or have Palmer toss them down a garbage chute, because Ducky probably wouldn't do that himself and what was the point of having an assistant if you couldn't assign all the disgusting… Tony stepped away from the dumpster without lifting the lid; he didn't want to know how the Autopsy boys disposed of anything related to dead people.

He reached for his weapon as a noise came from somewhere to his left, possibly from inside the dumpster. What if there'd been a horrible mistake and the body Palmer had dumped wasn't quite…Tony called upon his vast store of zombie-movie knowledge and drew his SIG. "Who…" He made an effort to lower his voice. "Who's there?"

A clothed, hatless version of the Pillsbury Doughboy stepped out of the shadows. "Be cool. You're Agent DiNozzo?"

He relaxed as he recognized a guy he bumped into in the bathroom sometimes. "You're late."

"I had to pee."

He nodded toward the dumpster and Tony took a step back. That explained one odor, at least. He tried to breathe through his mouth and asked, "You got it?"

"Uh huh. Got the money?" Tony held up two ten-dollar bills he was sure he could have saved if he'd been more tech-savvy. The man smiled and tugged the money from Tony's fingers. "Thanks. It's Steve Grossman, by the way."

"Can I just have it?"

Grossman held up a USB drive. "I'm kinda surprised I hadn't heard from you about this sooner. I thought you'd be one of the first with copies."

"I have a few sets of hard copies, but nothing digital." Tony inspected the small plastic casing he'd been given, wondering if he could clean it without damaging it. "How do I get these on…"

"Ask a tech guy about any manipulations you wanna do. Took me forever to put a nice shot of myself in a swimsuit in."

Tony felt bile rise in this throat that had nothing to do with the various putrid smells hanging in the air. "Yeah. Just out of curiosity, how'd you get these, Grossman?"

He shrugged. "You're the investigator. I'm just a guy who works in Personnel."

"Who pisses behind a dumpster in the alley?" Tony added.

"Hey, you contacted me about buying these. Wouldn't be too hard for me to…"

The consequences of being caught had been considered long before the deal had ever been made, so he interrupted, "You got your money. Just…we're done."

Grossman hitched up his khakis. "Sure, man. If I ever get something this juicy again, should I…?"

Tony bit back the urge to mention that Grossman wouldn't have it in the first place if not for him, but answered simply, "No." As he walked around to the parking lot, taking the opposite direction that Grossman had taken, he held the small device up to his face. "Twenty bucks? You'd think none of the newsstands in DC were carrying _Playboy_ anymore."

* * *

For the second time in three days, Tony had a late night rendezvous outside NCIS. Well, it was really just after seven and it was in the parking lot instead of beside the dumpster and it wasn't something scheduled, but it still made him nervous. His investigating had indicated that this was the time he needed to be outside, but not only had he not been the last to leave, he had, in fact, been the first to leave. Any bad luck in timing could blow the entire…he suddenly popped out of his crouch behind his car and grabbed a small man walking past. "You're a geek, right?"

"Yes!" the man squealed. "Take my wallet but please don't hurt me!"

Tony released his collar. "I don't want your wallet."

"Oh, God. I…I…I didn't want my first time to be like this! I wanted it to be with a girl!"

"Hey, stop crying. I just want your help."

"M-m-my help?"

"Do you work in Cyber Crimes or not?"

"Y-yes."

"What's your name?"

"Pringle."

"Alright, Pringle. I'm Agent DiNozzo and I need you to do a favor for me and never tell anyone you did it."

Pringle stared at him openmouthed. "_You're_ Agent DiNozzo?"

"Yeah. That a problem?"

"No. It's just that, from what the boss said, I thought you'd be…different."

Tony had no idea what Gibbs could possibly have told the basement nerds about him, or why he would have been talking to the basement nerds in the first place. Affronted, he demanded, "Different how?"

"Well, kind of heavy and dumb and ugly and…not that I think you're handsome, but…"

Tony cut him off by dragging him to the ground behind the nearest car. He cut off Pringle's begging with a hissed, "SSHH!" and watched as McGee and Ziva got into their cars and left. He was pretty sure Ziva had cast a curious look at his own still-present car without seeing him. He whispered to Pringle, "Okay, as soon as Gibbs leaves, we're going up to the squad room."

"Sir, you still haven't told me what…"

"It'll be simple for you. And I'll, uh, pay you in something you can't get anywhere else." Ten minutes later, Tony was leaning over the geek's shoulder at McGee's desk. "Pringle, do you want three tips on picking up women or not?"

"I'm working on it!" he whined. "There's just something…hold on. This person already has these exact files. Wow. That's a girl in a…a…"

"Bikini," Tony finished. He could feel his eyes lighting up, but he wasn't quite sure of the exact reason; he was used to both the pictures and messing with McGee and both usually brought a smile to his face. "Right, so you can make that pop up on his screen, right?"

"Of course. When?"

"I don't know. Is there any way I can…"

"I can set it up so you can send a command to…"

"Don't…don't explain it. Just make it so I can make that pop up when I say."

Tony swaggered back to his own desk, excited about seeing how many buttons he could press when the time came. He wasn't entirely surprised when Pringle took the advice that Burger King was not an appropriate dinner date to heart. Or that the poor geek bought the USB drive with the three pictures on it for forty dollars.

* * *

Tony propped his feet on his desk the moment McGee announced he was going to get coffee the next evening as the team sat in the squad room. All the pieces had fallen into place. He hit a few keys and waited the two minutes it would take for the screen saver to appear on McGee's monitor. Ziva looked up at him after about thirty seconds. "What?"

"I didn't say anything."

"No, but you have that _look_."

He did his best to look innocent. "What look?"

"What are you planning?" Her scrutiny would have been enough to drive him to confess if he hadn't already set things up so perfectly.

"I'm just sitting here, minding my own business."

"Now I _know_ you are planning something. Just tell me and I can help you. You are going to do something to McGee when he comes back, yes?"

"If I was, don't you think I would have sprung into action the moment he left?" He smiled at her as she perched on the edge of his desk. "Not that I don't think we could pull something off in the next minute or so. Have something in mind?"

He leaned back further in his chair to get a view of McGee's monitor as she contemplated. "The glue is always fun and he never seems to expect it, but I feel like it has become a bit…"

Tony grinned as the pictures suddenly flashed across the screen. "Whoa! Now that takes me back."

As expected, Ziva turned. And gaped. "That lying little…" The words that followed made Tony happy he'd learned only one phrase in Hebrew.

"Looks like our Probie is finally growing up." Considering the photos had been on McGee's hard drive all along…wait. That meant he was out twenty bucks! Damn McGee! Tony blinked as he realized he was actually up twenty after his deal with Pringle. He leaned over Ziva's shoulder as she sat in McGee's chair and whispered in her ear, "Y'know, I just had those up in my office aboard the _Seahawk_. McGee has them on his computer. He could be enjoying them himself and then sending them to all his Elf Lordlings, telling them lies about you."

He drew back as she inhaled sharply and made a snap decision that he could make it even harder on McGee by playing the concerned friend. He waited behind the partition for the elevator to open, peeking over every so often to enjoy Ziva's seething. This would have been worth it even if he hadn't doubled his money.


End file.
